What Happens When You Confront a Narcissist About Cheating

There is a lot you can expect when you confront a narcissist about cheating. You might feel nervous about the narcissist’s reaction, uneasy about sharing what you know, or even relieved because you have proof of what you knew was going on. Deciding to confront the narcissist about cheating is a personal decision. This post will help you consider different options before you confront the narcissist.

Consider Your Safety First

To be clear, there is NO justification for cheating. Before answering the question of what happens when you confront a narcissist about cheating, an even bigger question to answer is whether it is safe to confront the narcissist about cheating. Consider your safety first. Many narcissists will respond negatively and sometimes violently to being confronted about cheating. It is important to always consider your safety when interacting with a narcissist on any level.

While confronting a narcissist about cheating is important for some people, it is equally important to be prepared for their reactions. Narcissists often feel threatened when confronted with the truth. They may become defensive or aggressive. It’s important to remember that confronting a narcissist is not about winning or punishing them. There are many reasons you may want to confront the narcissist about what has occurred, one of them is about getting to the truth of the matter. Even if you have never experienced violence from the narcissist, be prepared for a possible hostile situation. It might become dangerous. Have an exit strategy

Explore The Reasons You Want to Confront The Narcissist

Many times, we want closure from the narcissist. The hopes of the narcissist being truthful might encourage you to want to share your findings with them. You are going to want answers and to understand why. Closure is important, and you might feel like the narcissist is the only person who can give that to you. You do not need the narcissist for closure. The evidence you have is your answer.

The Narcissist Already Knows They Are Cheating

When you have proof of the infidelity, the narcissist’s character becomes clearer. that the connection with the narcissist is not healthy. You don’t have to prove it to the narcissist. You are the one finding out. Narcissists knew what they were doing even before you knew. For some of you, the satisfaction of letting the narcissist know you know is hard to walk away from. I get it. If you want to confront the narcissist, that means you found out.

If you found out they were cheating, that means they were hiding what they were doing. This means they knew what they were doing was wrong. People ask me all the time “Did they know what they were doing?” The answer is YES!

Confronting the Narcissist Will Not Unring the Bell

For some of you, it may be important to confront the narcissist about cheating. It will not undo what has happened. If you decide to confront the narcissist about cheating, it is important to remain calm and collected. This will help you to better articulate your feelings and maintain a level head.

Be Prepared for Narcissists to Defend Their Cheating 

Narcissists will go to great lengths to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. You can expect blame-shifting and defending. When you confront the narcissist about cheating, they will sometimes justify why they cheated. Prepare to hear some of the most unbelievable excuses, such as they felt lonely after the dog passed away, they didn’t like the type of noodles you cooked for dinner, they felt abandoned because you cared for the children, or you never gave them enough free time with their friends.

Be Prepared For Narcissist Denial

They may say they did not know they were cheating. The narcissist may fake ignorance and act as if they didn’t know what they were doing was wrong. They may use fake technicalities to excuse their actions. You and your partner define what cheating is for you.

The Narcissist May Attack You

Safety first has already been discussed. You may receive verbal, emotional, mental, and financial attacks from the narcissist. The narcissist may start to attack your character, past and present actions, to justify their cheating. They will use anything and everything to defend their point and attack you. No matter what has happened in their minds, it will always be your fault. This is how narcissists justify their cheating behaviors.

The Narcissist Will Reverse The Situation and Become the Victim

The narcissist will attempt to put themselves into a position of being the victim. They never felt loved, cared for, or given enough attention or time, so they had to do whatever cheating behavior they did within the relationship. The narcissist will position themselves in a space where they will feel like their only option is to cheat, and so they do it.  

The Narcissist Will Flip the Situation to Make You the Offender

When the narcissist takes on the victim role, you become the offender. They make you the offender (bad person) to justify the reasons why they cheated. None of this is true. It is a manipulation tactic used by the narcissist to avoid taking ownership of the fact that they cheated. They are very savvy in making situations support their unacceptable behavior.  If you are not careful, you will find yourself apologizing to them for their cheating on you.

Expect Fake Apologies After Cheating  

If the narcissist wants to keep you around a bit longer or feels like they can still benefit from having you in their life, be prepared for a fake apology. This is when the narcissist will do all of the hoovering, suck you back in types of behaviors to get you back close to them again. If you are not careful, you will start the narcissistic cycle of abuse all over again.

Be Prepared For The Fallout

The reality is you will never feel the same. The trust has already been broken. The damage has been done. You may find yourself wanting to believe and hoping the relationship will improve after the cheating. No matter if you decide to stay or leave the narcissist. There will be loss. Loss of the relationship, trust, confidence, and sometimes a loss of your own sense of identity.

It is also important to create boundaries when confronting a narcissist about cheating. Set clear expectations and make sure that they are aware of the consequences if they do not adhere to them. Narcissists may become angry if they feel like they are not in control of the situation and may lash out.

You Are Going to Ask Yourself Why

You may never know the full reason why they cheated. It isn’t because there was something wrong with you. They did not cheat because you were not good enough. The cheating did not happen because the new supply (the new person of interest) is better than you. So, if you have been comparing yourself to them, stop. I know it is not easy, but still do not make a habit of comparing yourself to the new person. They did not cheat because of any of the fake reasons they gave you to avoid taking responsibility.

Without knowing any of the details of your specific situation. One of the reasons the narcissist cheated is that the narcissist is selfish. They lack discipline, morals, and accountability. The me-first type of attitude meant more to them than considering how their actions would affect you. You are worthy of so much more.

The truth is, you will never fully understand why the narcissist cheated. It happened. Even if the narcissist told you the truth it would be very hard to fully believe them because you don’t trust them anymore.

I know reading this will not make all your pain go away. The betrayal trauma you have experienced will take a great amount of time to process. You will probably still struggle at times to make sense of this difficult time in your life. You will and can get through this.

When you’re ready for steady support that won’t rush you, start here. Take your next step, gently.

We provide online therapy services to adults and couples located in Texas.
If you do not live in Texas or are not ready for therapy yet, we also offer self-guided resources designed to support recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma wherever you are.