Why It’s Hard to Talk About Problems With Narcissists

If you have ever tried to talk about problems with a narcissist, you know it is extremely difficult. This makes it hard to have any kind of relationship with a narcissist. Discussions become arguments. Disagreements become explosive shouting matches. You find yourself shutting down to avoid more conflict. Over time, you get to the point where you feel like it is better not to say anything at all. This is all part of the narcissist’s intention to avoid accountability. This all connects to the narcissistic cycle of abuse.

Narcissists are highly insecure. They fear vulnerability and shame. Narcissists care about their image so much that they will sabotage any and everything to avoid discomfort. This is why it is so hard to talk with a narcissist. You can’t just have a regular disagreement with them. They become hypersensitive to your comments. If you are not praising them, they will assume you are criticizing them.

Many survivors of narcissist abuse have shared their frustrations when trying to hold times survivors have expressed frustrations about the problems they have had when they tried to hold a narcissist accountable.

When you try to hold the narcissist accountable, they go into D.A.R.V.O. mode (Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender.) The D.A.R.V.O. acronym was created by Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D. in 1997. The term was originally used about sexual offenders. The same behavior happens when you try to hold a narcissist accountable.

D.A.R.V.O.

Deny- The narcissist will deny the abuse or not take accountability for their actions, or consequences, any and everything is not their fault. This will be done in a blame-shifting, direct denial, minimization, projection, or justification for what has occurred.

Attack- The narcissist will attack the victim. The narcissist will attack you. Your credibility, character, and anything that validates your experiences and emotions is all fair game to them.

Reverse Victim- This happens when the narcissist will reverse the situation and position themselves as the victim.

Offender- The narcissist places you in the role of the perpetrator, making you the offender.

Who is most likely to use D.A.R.V.O. in an argument

• Talking with the narcissist
• Toxic work environments
• Bad bosses/managers
• Cult leaders
• Unhealthy religious leaders
• Toxic religious doctrine
• Abusive parents

When is D.A.R.V.O. likely to happen

• Talking about a concern you have
• Trying to discuss a problem
• When you are trying to express how you feel
• Working to find a solution
• When you are expressing how their actions/words have affected you
• Holding trying to hold the narcissist accountable

Ways to support yourself if you experience D.A.R.V.O. from a narcissist.

• Recognize the D.A.R.V.O when it is happening. This will help you to start responding accordingly.
• Do not engage in the toxic behavior of the narcissist. If you must interact with them, speak briefly and to the point.
• Find solutions for yourself.
• Use additional resources.
• Connect with your support system.
• Remove yourself from the narcissist. (Physically, text, social media, all formats.)
• Do not try to plead your case. The narcissist is not concerned about hearing your point of view. They are trying to remove accountability. Save your emotional and mental energy.
• Do not expect them to take accountability or an apology.
• Remember your truth, and do not gaslight yourself.
• Seek professional counseling with a counselor who understands narcissism.
• One of the most effective ways to respond to D.A.R.V.O. is the DEEP technique.

When you’re ready for steady support that won’t rush you, start here. Take your next step, gently.

We provide online therapy services to adults and couples located in Texas.
If you do not live in Texas or are not ready for therapy yet, we also offer self-guided resources designed to support recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma wherever you are.