Why It’s So Hard to Leave Narcissists

Why don’t they just leave? This is one of the most overstated comments people express about people who are in narcissistic, toxic relationships.

The truth is, it’s NOT that simple.

The person you loved at the very beginning is not the person you see now. There are many reasons you may be struggling with leaving the narcissist. Many factors make it hard for victims to leave a narcissistic, abusive relationship. It is very possible to get to the other side, where joy is waiting for you. It is not easy, but you can do it.

Reasons it’s hard to leave a narcissistic, abusive relationship

The narcissistic cycle of abuse

The cycle of narcissistic abuse is so familiar without knowing it, all of the stages blend. What they think are just the regular highs and lows of a relationship are truly the hovering and discarding of a narcissistic abusive relationship.

The trauma bond

The trauma bond formed along with the narcissistic cycle of abuse is another force that rages war on your life. The constant pushing and pulling of the relationship continues to tear victims apart while simultaneously thrusting them back into the narcissist’s arms. This is where the victims find temporary soothing and comfort only. It does not last.

Hope

These two factors alone leave the victim hanging onto the hope that the relationship will be restored. This makes it hard for the person to leave the narcissistic, abusive relationship. The hope that the relationship will one day return to its full potential keeps them stuck.

Fear

Fear of starting over, being alone, or missing out are a few of the many concerns of victims. There are a million fears that prevent people from leaving a narcissistic, abusive relationship. This is why the need for a healthy support system and mental health counseling is so important. Learning how to face those fears with clarity and confidence is critical.

Familiarity

The victim may struggle with leaving due to being familiar with the narcissist. It is difficult to imagine a life outside of the narcissistic relationship they have with the narcissist. A lot of the time, people will say I know it isn’t perfect, but… and trail off into another reason to justify staying in the toxic relationship.

Shame

The shame of feeling like a failure makes it hard for many victims to leave a narcissistic, abusive relationship. They recognize the relationship is not healthy, but the shame of being viewed negatively prevents them from leaving.

Guilt

As much as the narcissist has hurt you, like many victims and survivors, you do not want to hurt the narcissist. These feelings of compassion prevent them from leaving.

Financial dependency

Many times, narcissists will create financial barriers to prevent victims of narcissistic abuse from leaving. This creates an unfair and unhealthy power dynamic.

Religious and spiritual obligations | Cultural traditions

Cultural factors play a significant role in people’s ability to navigate life. In some circumstances, divorce is not acceptable. There may be religious and spiritual commitments that also require a person to stay married to a narcissistic partner.

If these areas are present, and it is possible, connect to a counselor who understands narcissistic abuse. The counselor will provide you with tips on protecting yourself. If you are not able to do this, consider additional creditable resources to learn as much as you can to support yourself.

Love

You may be struggling with still feeling very connected to the narcissist. Even if you are aware of the troubles the relationship has had and the difficulties you and the narcissist have, the desire to be together is greater for you than being apart.

Not wanting to have a “broken” home

First, the home would not be broken if the narcissist were not in your home anymore. Leaving the narcissist also provides you with the opportunity to have a more healed and joyful home.

When you’re ready for steady support that won’t rush you, start here. Take your next step, gently.

We provide online therapy services to adults and couples located in Texas.
If you do not live in Texas or are not ready for therapy yet, we also offer self-guided resources designed to support recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma wherever you are.