Warning Signs of a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship

Unless you have had past experiences with a narcissist, it is easy to miss the warning signs of a narcissistic, abusive relationship. They are very tricky with words and actions. Narcissists appear very engaged and thoughtful initially, but their true intentions are always revealed. Discover the warning signs to save yourself.

Moving too fast

This is where the narcissist does the most. They move too fast and too soon. The narcissist does this to capture you quickly. They move super fast so that you are not able to notice any of the red flags or flaws. Narcissists also invest very quickly to encourage you to do the same. This helps to form a deeper connection really quickly.

Examples:

• Telling you they love you very quickly (sometimes on the first date)  
• Insisting on moving in together quickly. Wanting to meet each other’s families and discuss having children. Asking very personal questions too soon. Narcissists do this to gain more information about you. Later, they will use this information to their benefit. You may feel like the narcissist is very interested in you, but they are, for the wrong reasons.
• This type of behavior happens in the love bombing and idealization stage of the narcissistic cycle of abuse. It also happens in the beginning stages of the trauma bond.

Overstepping boundaries

Narcissists will overstep your boundaries. It does not matter if the boundaries are big or small. They are motivated to get what they want out of the connection. Narcissists have transactional relationships, not intimate relationships.

When you overstep your boundaries, this is a warning sign as well. Survivors will feel intense intimacy because of the exchanges that happened previously in the love bombing and idealization stage of the relationship.

Examples:

• The narcissist talks to you in ways that you do not want
• Asking/demanding you change your plans for them
• Not respecting your opinions, emotions or thoughts
• Not respecting you when you say no
• Treating you in a disrespectful manner
• When you use statements like I usually wouldn’t do this but…
• I know it’s kind of fast, but…
• It might be a little bit too soon…

Short-tempered

Narcissists tend to be very irritable at times. They may present as calm and collected as long as situations are working in their favor, but the minute circumstances change, they are no longer pleasant to be around.

Examples:

• Road rage
• Impatience
• Threatening in words and behavior
• Cutting in line, walking in front of you when you are both going to the same place
• Confrontational

Self-medicating

Narcissists are highly internally irritable individuals who may knowingly and unknowingly participate in self-medicating behaviors. Many of the examples listed below are needed on a daily/consistent basis.

Examples:

• Alcohol and drug abuse
• Opiates/opioids
• Caffeine
• Cocaine
• Other drugs
• Sex addiction
• Excessive eating
• Excessive shopping
• Smoking
• Overcommitting

Selfishness

Narcissists operate out of “what’s in it for me,” a me-first framework.

Examples:

• Not considerate of your emotions, thoughts, or opinions
• Lack of empathy
• Entitled
• Blames other
• Does not take responsibility
• Exploits others
• Dominating time, social, financial, and emotional

Talks negatively about others, family, friends, exes, and everyone else  

Basically, everyone is fair game when the narcissist is involved. Because of their deep level of insecurity, they will frequently deflect and project.

Examples:

• Using statements like “all my exes are crazy.”
• They may also present as having the issues and their exes all being amazing, but they are the ones who always mess up
• Speak negatively of their family
• Point out all the traits that make others seem less than valuable.
• Presenting themselves as the victim
• Broken pieces of information

The narcissist does not share the full details

Examples: 

• Lying in general
• Lying by omission
• Sharing misleading information and statements
• Telling half-truths. Not being able to receive all the facts
• Clingy/Needy
• Does not like to be alone
• Gets upset when you leave
• Frequent need for validation
• Does not want you to have other obligations
• Wants to be with you all the time
• Will sabotage the situation to prevent you from engaging in other activities  

When you’re ready for steady support that won’t rush you, this is where restoration begins to move forward, one steady step at a time.

You don’t have to figure it all out; just choose the kind of support that feels right to begin with for you.

No pressure. No rush. Just support that meets you where you are. You’re in control of what comes next.