Do This Instead of Going to Counseling With the Narcissist

Do you think going to counseling with the narcissist will help? I get asked this question a lot. As a professional counselor who has both personal and professional experiences with a narcissist and narcissism, the answer is no.

The next popular question is, “Can counseling fix it?” Assuming “it” is the troubled relationship, friendship, marriage, boss, work environment, sibling, church member, parent, or pretty much any scenario you can think of where a narcissist is involved, the answer is still no.

Counseling will not “fix” the narcissist or the relationship. You are probably a little bummed to read this, and probably thinking… What are my options, right? Instead of going to counseling with the narcissist, do this instead.

Go to counseling for yourself

It is more supportive to find a great therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and start your healing journey. The hope, want, or need for resolution with the narcissist keeps people stuck in a cycle of narcissistic abuse, trauma bonds, and tons of manipulation. This might lead to more disappointment, frustration, and a lot of other unsupportive emotions and experiences.

When you initiate counseling, the narcissistic person may see it as an opportunity to continue their behaviors. Your willingness to work on the relationship reinforces your commitment to them. They are not committed to you. The narcissist is committed to getting what they want out of the connection to you.

When a relationship feels emotionally unsafe, joint counseling may not be the first place healing begins. Individual support can help you regain clarity and reconnect with yourself. Texas residents can start with a consultation.

You don’t have to figure everything out right now, just choose what feels right to begin.

---

Spend your time focusing on your healing

Many survivors have felt like the time they had with the narcissist was a waste. Sure, they might have gotten some beautiful children out of it, but they also got PTSD, C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, and decreased confidence.

Take the time you need to focus on your healing journey. It’s the painful life lessons we don’t want to learn. Of course, you did not want to have to go (grow) through this to get her,e but you are here now. Your power is on the other side of this experience. Instead of focusing on the narcissist, spend your time focusing on your healing.

Instead of feeling bad about having spent more time than you needed, the narcissist knows that you did what you could to make the relationship work. Now, it is time to work on yourself.

Save your money

Instead of paying for session after session for the narcissist to not improve, save your money. Use that money for your counseling. A lot of times, couples counseling is not covered by insurance. Plus, you can save your money for attorney fees, moving into your new place, creating your emergency fund, and any other financial needs.

Validate yourself instead of waiting for the narcissist to do it

There is so much manipulation and gaslighting with a narcissist you begin to doubt yourself. This is another reason why you may struggle with decision-making. You need to practice self-validation. Replace the negative thoughts and ideas the narcissist has shared with you with what your truth is for you. Live in a way that honors your values. Begin to trust yourself more. Start by making small choices and then gradually build up. Explore what your values are, and live in a way that supports your healing.

Create closure for yourself

One more time for the people in the back. YOU DO NOT NEED THE NARCISSIST FOR CLOSURE. Begin to see the narcissist for who they truly are and not their potential. Letting go of the narcissist does hurt. Although this is painful, as you heal, your life becomes more liberating. Seeing the narcissist and the relationship for what it is and not through the romanticized rose-colored glasses will help you reach acceptance.

Acceptance is one of the stages of grief. This does not mean you accept the narcissistic abuse. It means you recognize the narcissist and the connection to the narcissist for what it is: toxic. Giving yourself closure and acceptance does cause grief. Acceptance and closure do mean letting go of the hopes that the connection could or would be any different.

Give yourself time to grieve

Grief is a huge part of the healing process of narcissistic abuse recovery. While cycling through the many stages of grief, be gentle with yourself. You may find yourself still in shock. It is common to get stuck in the bargaining stage. For some people, the anger stage rages for a while. The anger connects to the tremendous hurt and betrayal they feel. Others live in depression long after discarding, discovery days of affairs, and other painful experiences have occurred. Some people struggle in denial, staying for longer than they should.

You may find it difficult to let go. This typically increases anxiety, depression, stress, trauma, and other mental and physical concerns. Guilt and shame keep some survivors trapped. No matter where you are in your healing journey, be kind to yourself.  

Take a moment. Write down one truth about yourself that has nothing to do with the narcissist. Take the next step with the Narcissistic Abuse Survival Guide.

Go no contact with the narcissist

Many people struggle with going no contact. Having hope that the narcissist will change will keep you stuck. Maintaining no contact is still one of the most supportive ways to heal. Making this change prevents you from remaining in situations that do not support you.

When you continue to engage with the narcissist, you leave yourself more open and vulnerable to hurt, harm, and danger. The cycle of narcissistic abuse continues. The trauma bond is strengthened.

If you are unable to go no contact, use a low-contact method. This means keeping the contact to a minimum. Consider engaging out of necessity or emergency. Gauge the level of importance before you decide to interact with the narcissist.

If you are still thinking about going to counseling with the narcissist (do not leave without reading this)

Going to counseling, in general, is a transformative experience. Going to counseling with a narcissist is not always the best option. When the narcissist agrees to counseling, it is a performative act. The narcissist does this to further manipulate you into believing they are attempting to change. Be aware that some narcissists will also use counseling to learn better ways to manipulate.

Because many narcissists struggle with vulnerability, avoidance of shame, low self-esteem, and low confidence, the session(s) may not be productive. Lots of manipulation, deflection, avoidance of shame, and not taking ownership and responsibility, along with many other tactics, tend to happen in sessions.

If, after all of this information, you are still considering engaging in counseling on any level with a narcissist, it is helpful to work with a therapist who has a healthy understanding of narcissism.

The risk of harm is significantly increased when you work with a counselor who does not understand narcissism. Unknowingly, the counselor may validate the narcissist and invalidate you. Also, it is possible for the counselor to be manipulated by the narcissist, and then you are double-gaslighted. Whenever you connect with someone personally or professionally who does not understand narcissism, the interactions can be upsetting.

We offer marriage and couples counseling

Learn skills to successfully navigate through trust issues, communication problems, and much more. Begin to work together and create the type of marriage and relationship worth showing up for daily. More info. here.

When you’re ready for steady support that won’t rush you, this is where restoration begins to move forward, one steady step at a time.

You don’t have to figure it all out; just choose the kind of support that feels right to begin with for you.

No pressure. No rush. Just support that meets you where you are. You’re in control of what comes next.