Self-Care After Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Sometimes, even when you decide to leave a toxic relationship, you still grieve the experience. Grief and loss are not only extended to the loss of friends, family, and pets. You can experience an intense period of grief over the loss of anything of value to you.

If you are in the beginning stages of the grief process, learning to practice self-care after leaving a toxic relationship is important for your healing journey. You may find yourself wanting to avoid people, feeling shame, having sleep difficulties, and flashbacks flooding your thoughts. A frequent question is what was real and what do I do to make the pain stop? This post will share with you how to practice self-care as your heart and mind heal from the trauma you’ve experienced from leaving the toxic relationship.

Do a personal reflection

Healing from a toxic relationship starts with you. Use some of your newfound alone time to think about the person you were before you entered the relationship. If you feel like you are a shell of the person you used to be, it’s time to reset. Spend time doing personal reflection. Explore what you learned about yourself. Remember the person you were before the relationship. Actively work towards returning to your true self. Consider your strengths, your passions, and the qualities that make you uniquely you.

In my sessions, I do a values exploration activity to help people re-establish themselves after being lost in a toxic relationship. Values exploration will help you to understand what’s important to you and guide you. Identifying your values will guide you in the next steps of your healing journey.

Be your own best friend

This is your chance to get back to being the real you. The you that was lost in the toxic relationship. Think about it, if you had a friend who had left a toxic relationship, you would encourage that friend. This is your chance to practice some self-compassion. As you work to heal from the toxic relationship, know that it’s your time to be your best friend.

• Write down all the things you would say to encourage your friend. Then say it to yourself.
• Keep the list with you. Read it every time you feel like your heartstrings are being pulled. This also serves as an encouraging message to support you when you feel weak.

Create new rules (boundaries)  

As painful as this experience is, there are still positives that can come from it. This is an opportunity to create a stronger version of yourself. If you had been controlled by your previous partner and bullied by your insecurities and anxieties, this is a time to set new rules for yourself.

Self-care after a toxic relationship looks like creating new rules for yourself. Create new rules for yourself. Make a rule for yourself. No matter how hard it gets, going back is no longer an option. Remind yourself of how amazing your life will be on the other side of this pain. Encourage yourself to truly become the person you want to be and who you are capable of becoming. They don’t get to hurt you anymore.

Don’t forget to add the rule of no do-overs.

If the relationship is broken, you DON’T let the person back into your life to try and break you again.

Do NOT let them into:

• your heart
• your thoughts
• your body
• your time
• your energy
• your presence.

Do not “pain shop.”

“Pain shopping” is a term used to describe searching (looking up) a person you had a connection with online on general search engines and social media platforms that result in emotional pain. Doing this will disrupt your healing process. You may not be happy with what you find. Instead of scoping out their social media profiles a zillion times to find out what was real, what happened, who they are with, do not pain shop. Instead, use the time to focus on yourself. Rather than hurt yourself by continuing to be confused by what they are doing, sharing, or posting. Put your attention back where it belongs back on you, as you heal from leaving the toxic relationship.

Develop a nighttime routine

Night times are the hardest for most people. You may find yourself staying up scrolling online, looking for answers as to what to do, and trying to make sense of what happened. Creating a nighttime routine will help you close out your day in a supportive way. Close those racing thoughts with this self-care strategy. A nighttime routine also provides structure to help you gain a sense of stability, in a time when so much of your life may feel chaotic.  

Examples to add to your nighttime routine:

• Write things in a journal.
• If you feel like texting, open up that notes section on your phone and put the message in that area.
• Watch comfort shows
• Remove the phone/screen time and do something else more soothing.

Go to counseling

It’s the next best step in your self-care after leaving a toxic relationship. If you are truly looking to heal from the trauma experienced from the toxic relationship you have gotten out of, go to counseling. It allows you the chance to work through your emotions, thoughts, and events in the relationship. Going to counseling allows you the opportunity to gain new coping skills and strategies.

To get one-to-one support for healing from your toxic relationship starts now!

Begin Counseling

Additional forms of support, but NOT substitutes for counseling, are:

• Support groups
• Following social media pages are helpful resources
• Reading blog posts like this
• Talking with trusted friends and family.

When you’re ready for steady support that won’t rush you, this is where restoration begins to move forward, one steady step at a time.

You don’t have to figure it all out; just choose the kind of support that feels right to begin with for you.

No pressure. No rush. Just support that meets you where you are. You’re in control of what comes next.