Should I Tell the Narcissist They Hurt Me?

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question, know this: it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human.
You want to be heard. You want to know you matter, and possibly you want them to say, “I see what I did, and I understand that I hurt you.”

But when the person who hurt you is a narcissist, this hope for understanding and acknowledgment can reopen the very wound you’re trying to heal.

Why Do I Still Want to Tell The Narcissist?

It’s not about revenge. Technically, it’s even about closure.

It’s about validation.

Telling the narcissist how they hurt you often comes from a deep, unmet need to feel:

• Seen
• Heard
• Believed
• Valued

Especially after gaslighting and emotional neglect, your internal compass craves a moment of truth. A sign that your pain is real and recognized.

But here’s the cold, hard truth:
With narcissists, telling them generally does not bring relief. It can retraumatize you.

What Can Happen If I Tell The Narcissist They Hurt Me?

When survivors reach out to tell a narcissist how much they’ve been hurt, here’s what frequently happens:

Common reactions from narcissists:

• Gaslighting: “That never happened.”
• Minimizing: “You’re being too sensitive.”
• Blame-shifting: “If you hadn’t done A, I wouldn’t have done B.”
• Rejection or silence: A complete emotional shut-down.
• Manipulation: They twist your vulnerability to regain control.

Instead of soothing the wound, this often reopens it.

What Is Your Nervous System Really Asking For?

When you feel pulled to “make the narcissist understand,” ask yourself:

• Am I trying to make sense of my own story through their response?
• Am I hoping they’ll say the words that will finally bring me peace?
• Am I trying to feel real, because they made me feel invisible?

These are deeply valid needs. And you don’t need the narcissist to meet them.

What Helps Instead?

You can give yourself what the narcissist never could. Start by:

• Naming the truth out loud or journaling
• Validating your story with a professional counselor and connecting with your support system
• Reclaiming your power through living a life fully
• Using digital tools like the Break Free program to help you detox from the trauma bond

Let healing be about your return to self, not the narcissist’s ability to understand.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: Can a narcissist ever truly understand how they hurt me?

A: Narcissists often lack the empathy or accountability needed to truly acknowledge harm. Yes, they do know what they are doing, and at the same time, they are still self-focused. Seeking understanding from a narcissist will not bring you peace. Your peace starts with you.

Q: Isn’t it healthy to express my feelings?

A: Absolutely! But doing it with a narcissist is not safe. Consider supportive spaces where you can explore your emotions and experiences that are holistically safe for you.

Q: What if I already told the narcissist and now feel worse?

A: It’s okay. You can still make healthy choices moving forward. Understand that sometimes we respond out of trauma and a deep desire to be heard and seen, it’s not a failure. Your nervous system wanted healing, and that’s understandable. You cannot receive that from the narcissist.

Shift your focus to grounding yourself. Make intentional steps to support yourself moving forward. Affirm your truth of what makes these moments real for you and proceed with self-love and self-compassion.

Q: Why do I keep wanting to talk to the narcissist, even after going no contact?

A: Firstly, it’s natural. Many of us like clear, healthy, and honest communication. The problem is in many cases, narcissists don’t. They aren’t honest with themselves, so they will frequently be dishonest with you. Clear communication does not allow them to manipulate and hide from accountability and shame, so they won’t do that either. You have to create closure for yourself.

 This urge is a result of unmet emotional needs. It’s part of trauma-bond withdrawal.

Q: Will closure ever come without a conversation with the narcissist?

A: Yes. Closure comes from internal clarity, not external validation. You can create closure for yourself. To be clear, narcissists are less likely to want you to achieve closure because that would prevent them from having access to you. It’s what the “Break Free” program guides you through step by step.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Need the Narcissist to Validate You

You are not dramatic. You are not too much. You are not wrong for wanting to be seen.

The difference is that you have the power to choose.